Hello and welcome to round two of the Ugly Lamp Contest!  If you missed round one, get your buns over there and vote!

I hope you had pleasant dreams last night. I dreamed that a devil clown was beating me with a palm frond while judgmentally monitoring my electricity usage.

By now we know that Lava Clown destroyed the competitors in his round, and presumably will devour their souls next. Haha. That’s not true. Miserable Meter has no soul. As of now, Primate in Pearls and Wishing-Well Hell are having a tug-of-war for a distant second place.

What will today bring? I  can only imagine. Maybe this guy can ‘shed’ some ‘light’ on it:

from Tricia

HA! You may be wondering, “Can a solar light shaped like a nattily-dressed cat really be considered an Ugly Lamp?” Well, it lights up and made me snort-choke with genuine out-loud laughter, so I say yes. 

If that’s not enough to convince you, just imagine it at night.

It freaks meowt!

Quick, what’s more depressing than a down-on-his-luck old man hobo with nowhere to go and no one to love and not even a pair of old shoes for his wizened old feet?

from Donnah

TWO of them, of course! At least they have each other. And their tiny brooms. And … a book? A large potato?  The one one the left still has a glimmer of hope left in his eyes.  The one on the right has seen way too much for far too long, man.

You know how on that movie Castaway, when Tom Hank’s character gets stranded on an island and makes a friend out of a volleyball just to have someone to talk to?

from Karen R.

This has got to be the same type of situation. Obviously some desperate woman became stranded somewhere and was forced to use buttons and ferns and lipstick to MacGyver herself a she-friend. A horrifying, nightmarish she-friend. There is literally no other explanation.

I also have no explanation for this:

from Rebecca C.

I have stared at it for ten full minutes and words will not form. What IS it?  It’s way too ugly to be driftwood, or anything occurring naturally in nature. No, somebody made this. Somebody made this ON PURPOSE.  On the plus side, put it in a room with Beef Femur and I think they would complement each other quite nicely.

You know what I’ve always wanted? I’ve never been able to find one, but I’ve always wanted lamp with like, a giant viking face on it. And the viking is somehow really flamboyant and sensuously pouty at the same time, is possibly not even a viking at all, but maybe a forest fairy king? He also has an orange handlebar mustache.

from Amber R.

Anyway, let me know if you ever see one of those, would ya?

I fear that I scarred many of you for life yesterday, just springing Lava Clown on you like that with no warning, so consider yourselves warned: I’ve got another clown for you.

Sure, those wild eyes and blood-soaked grin may not seem all that bad now …

from Tracy W.

… but imagine him at night.

Vote now!

Keep the party going and come tell me who you voted for in the comments! It’s always such a riot to read.

Can’t see the poll? Click here.

See you tomorrow, with the last round of Ugly Lamps.  Trust me when I say you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Are your senses tingling?

Do you have unexplained goosebumps?

Is a gnawing sense of dread growing in the pit of your stomach?

That must be because the UGLY LAMP CONTEST is upon us, and it starts RIGHT NOW!!!

*fanfare, confetti, trumpets*

(Or, more accurately):

*fart noises, rancid clouds of smoke, tears of the innocent*

Yay! Woo! Hooray!

I can’t wait to get this party started, but first of all I must thank everyone who sent in their ugly lamp photos. You’re the reason the Ugly Lamp Contest has managed to exist for six years now. SIX years! WOW. So thank you, thank you!

I was really worried that we just couldn’t top last year’s winner, Beef Femur, but I think it’s safe to say that you guys pulled through again. Unfortunately, I could only choose 18 ugly lamps, which means a lot of truly horrendous lamps got left out. I try my hardest to choose the widest selection of ugly to offer you and your tender eyeballs, and even made a little categorized chart to organize each style of lamp to keep things evened out. In case you are curious, those categories were “Figurine,” “Animal,” “Just Weird,” and … “Demonic.”

Yeah, this year is going to be a scary one.

Anyway, please don’t feel bad if your lamp didn’t make the cut. Perhaps it was too similar to a lamp I’ve already featured in the previous years. (I was terrified to discover that there is more than one lamp in the universe made from deer feet). Or maybe you are one of the many people who sent in a pig lamp, and I couldn’t choose just one. (So. Many. Pig. Lamps. So. Many. Whys?) But in any case, thanks again for submitting your photos and participating in the contest! You are what makes it happen.

A quick recap of how this works for the new kids: There are three rounds of six lamps each. Voting is held each day, with the top two highest-scoring lamps in each round moving on to the final round on Thursday. We vote on the final six, and the triumphant winner is crowned on Friday! Please be sure to come back and vote everyday this week!

And now it’s finally here ….

The moment you’ve waited all year for …

The moment Dramamine was invented for …

The moment it’s too late to turn back from now …

Round One of the 2015 Ugly Lamp Contest has begun!

from Laurie

I call this one “Pepto-Painted Primate Perches Pensively in Pearls.” I admit, those tasteful strands of pearls really fooled me at first, but upon closer inspection I was like “Oh wait, this lamp might be actually be a little bit ugly after all.” (sarcasm)

from Amber

My, what blue eyes you have! My, what a … uh … nice tan you have! My, what a strange pipe you have. That IS a pipe, right? Because my only other guess is that a stray tooth has escaped the confines of your mouth and is now jutting uncomfortably out through your face.  Probably the least of your worries either way.

from Missey B.

I like to call this one “A Reptile Disfunction.’

from Tricia

The electricity-meter lamp is perfect for when you are a joyless bitter soul and want your guests to know exactly how many kilowatts per hour you’ve wasted on their miserable company. Now turn off the lights and go away.

from Kimberly K.

Anyone who has vacationed in the islands longs to bring a little piece of it back home. Sure, you could buy some postcards or souvenirs, or bring back a little bottle of sand, but wait! I have something better. For the bargain price of $124, you can remember your tropical getaway every day for the rest of your life with this heavily shellacked monstrosity of a lamp! Made from what amounts to palm tree garbage, this ‘wishing well’ features shoddily nailed together parts, jagged and dangerous edges, and a dusty old lightbulb! You’ll ‘wish’ you’d have bought one for every room in your house!!! Aloha!

from Kristina

No words necessary.

But therapy, yes. Lots and lots of therapy necessary. And a fresh set of underwear.

Maybe two.

Vote now! And don’t be shy about leaving your own thoughts in the comments! That’s the very best part of this whole thing.

Can’t see the poll? Click here.
Come back tomorrow to see which lamps will be moving on, and to vote for the next crop of uglies in Round Two!