Ladies and gentleman, the culmination of a solid week’s worth of ugly happens right here, right now. You’ve made it this far. Let’s not wait a minute more.

Please put your hands together (in prayer) for our champion, our winner, he who will reign triumphant as the Ugliest Lamp of All, for now and forevermore or at least until next year,

LAMPOCALYPSE!

I was 99% sure from the second this thing popped up in my inbox that he was a winner, (once I stopped crying) and sure enough, he breezed through the competition without batting a dilated eye.  He made Lava Clown look like Hello Kitty. None of other the disembodied-head lamps could hold a candle to his ferocious ugliness. (Yes, we had at least four disembodied-head lamps this year. That should be its own category, apparently).

This beauty was discovered and submitted by Irene, who found him at a flea-market and knew right away that he was special. She even supplied us with a 360 view, so we didn’t miss out on one single inch of this eyeball assault.

It just gets creepier the more you look at it.

I tried to make out what the price tag said; here’s a zoomed in picture:

Does that say $295.00? DOES THAT SAY $295.00????? Because it looks like it does.

BARGAIN ALERT.

There is no earthly reason why that could possibly cost so much, but it’s clear from any angle why he won by a landslide.

The final standings were as follows:

• Lampocalypse: 62%
• Lava Clown: 19%
• She-Friend: 7%
• Wishing-Well Hell: 6%
• Suitable Satan: 4%
• Driftwhat? – 2%

My personal favorite was probably Driftwhat simply because I still can’t figure it out. WHAT IS IT? All of the other lamps can be explained, kind of, somewhat, if you tried hard enough. Even Lampocalypse. My mom thinks he was a the product of an angry art student. But not ol’ Driftwhat. We just don’t know. We may never know.

But I do know that it’s time to induct Lampocalypse into the Ugly Lamp Hall of Champions!

*cue the Hall of Champions music*

(I’m not sure what that would actually sound like, so just make it up in your head)

(Oh no, wait, I thought of a song. A Moment Like This, by Kelly Clarkson. Perfect).

Lampocalypse, I shake you firmly by the tiny hand dangling from your throat and invite you to take your place of honor among the luminaries that have come before you. Stand tall sir, you deserve to be here. Enjoy your reign of terror.

Thanks so much to everyone who participated in the contest, either by sending in your ugly lamps, voting, sharing the contest on social media, or for your hilarious comments that kept me refreshing my phone all day. I truly couldn’t do it without you. Congratulations to Irene, you will be receiving a $100 gift card of your choice!

I hope you had fun. Thanks again and remember to keep your eyes peeled for ugly lamps near you. You might just be the one to discover our winner for 2016!

See you next year.

Let’s get ready to RUMMMMBLE! It’s the fourth and final round of the Ugly Lamp Contest! Today the top two ugliest lamps from each of the three rounds – as voted on by you, brave reader – will compete head-to-head and bulb-to-bulb in one last showdown. Be sure to check out rounds one, two, and three if you haven’t had a chance to yet.

Lampocalypse lived up to his name as the lamp to end all lamps in round three, pulverizing the competition with 73% of the vote. But can he continue to reign supreme? Is he an even match for Lava Clown? Should they be allowed to be in a room together? That would surely rip a hole in the fabric of the universe.

Who will light the way to victory and who will burn out? There’s only one way to know.

The road to triumph starts here:

Yeah, I hope there’s a dumpster on this road.

But don’t underestimate Wishing-Well Hell. His spiky lacquered spikes are poised and ready to attack!  The only thing his opponents will wish for is that they had never been born.

If you’re hearing demonic merry-go-round music, it can only mean …

The circus is in TOWN! Step right up and see who dares challenge Lava Clown to a fight. He dominated round one, but will his luck continue, or is the joke on him this time?

Driftwhat remains a mystery, which appears to be the source of his strength. Seriously, what IS THIS? Some of my favorite reader comments were: a cassaba root, a random hunk of ceramic shaped like a random hunk of ceramic, and an orc aorta, which I mistakenly read as orca aorta, and boom, I finally had the perfect name for my band.

Will he sneak his way into the championship or slither back to the primordial swamp from whence he came?

She Friend was the hands-down winner of round two, but will she be able to maintain her momentum?  Or will she be relegated to the ‘friend zone?’  (Don’t say anything, but I think I caught her flirting with Lampocalypse. Or maybe that was just one of her eyelash ferns falling off. Still, they’d make a cute couple, right??)  (Help me).

Don’t overlook Suitable Satan. He may be quiet, but he’s been in enough fights to know exactly how to take down his opponents. Plus, he has nothing to lose. Besides more teeth.

And finally, will Lampocalypse ride the victorious wave from round three all the way into the championship? He definitely has a leg to stand on, even if it might actually be someone else’s leg.  He hopes to see his competitors cry, preferably tears of blood.

Vote now!

If you are on a mobile device and can’t see the poll, click here.

Welcome to round three of the Ugly Lamp Contest! I’m glad you’re still here. It takes a measure of mental stamina to endure what you’ve endured so far. I salute you.

If you’ve missed round one or round two be sure to go back and give them a thorough look-through. This is mostly for your own benefit. You need your nerves steeled for what you’re about to see today. Yes, only those who have been sufficiently prepared should proceed.

But first, a quick recap of yesterday’s round, where She-Friend dominated with over 50% of the vote. Driftwhat maintained a respectable second place and will be moving on to the final round. Clowny McMurders was no match for Lava Clown, and sunk to second to last place. And garnering the lowest score of all was the Hopeless Hobos with a scant 2% of the vote. But don’t feel too bad for them. Apparently they are not down-on-their-luck hobos after all, but happy-go-lucky-hillbillies! So, I think they were just happy to be invited.

And now, here they come. The final six.

Let’s do this.

We shall begin with a poem:

From Esther

Do your ears hang low? Is your belly made of dough?

Is that a glass eye – are you gonna steal my soul?

Those bags under your eyes, are a little oversized.

Do your ears hang low?

Why do you exist? I would rather have a cyst.

If I gave you as a gift, the recipient would be pissed.

You’re genuinely feared and your beard is super weird.

Why do you exist?

From Tiffany S.

I’ll say it now, so you don’t have to say it in the comments. “You know, the Satan lamp isn’t all that bad.  I could see it working in like, a Satan-themed bedroom.”

From Christy

Sometimes you just need a tiny staircase. And you need to attach it to a lamp. And you need to contact the president because it’s going to save us from the meteors. And you’re crazy.

From Kenney

Ummmmmm, yeahhhh. I’m not even going to touch this one. I’ll just be over here snickering behind my hands like a twelve-year-old. (If you don’t get it, it’s … uh … too hard to explain). *more snickering*

WARNING: I don’t want to oversell this next one, but you are NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME.

Proceed with caution.

Turn on the lights..

Hide yo kids.

Call your priest.

Are you ready?

Like, really ready?

You think you’re ready.

HA!

You will never be ready.

From Irene

Breathe! Breathe! Stay with me! Let’s talk it out! It’s just all of your nightmares and deepest fears come to life, that’s all!

This is for sale. FOR MONEY. In case you can’t read the tags, they say “DO NOT PICK UP BY HEAD” and “Ask for assistance: breakable, custom made.” Just let that sink in for a minute.

What those tags should really say is “Burn this with fire at your soonest available opportunity. Then burn whatever your burned it in. Then burn the hole it left behind.”

I couldn’t leave you on that terrifying note, so here is one last ugly lamp. It probably looks like the Mona freaking Lisa compared to the visual plague we just saw …

From Rebekah

If the Mona Lisa had also been hastily slip-slopped together out of feathers and packing tape, that is.

Vote now!

(Sorry to those of you reading from mobile devices, I’ve been giving you the wrong link all week! If you can’t see the poll, click here.)

Please stop in and leave your thoughts in the comments! They’re so fun to read. Do you have any predictions for this round?