Are your senses tingling?
Do you have unexplained goosebumps?
Is a gnawing sense of dread growing in the pit of your stomach?
That must be because the UGLY LAMP CONTEST is upon us, and it starts RIGHT NOW!!!
*fanfare, confetti, trumpets*
(Or, more accurately):
*fart noises, rancid clouds of smoke, tears of the innocent*
Yay! Woo! Hooray!
I can’t wait to get this party started, but first of all I must thank everyone who sent in their ugly lamp photos. You’re the reason the Ugly Lamp Contest has managed to exist for six years now. SIX years! WOW. So thank you, thank you!
I was really worried that we just couldn’t top last year’s winner, Beef Femur, but I think it’s safe to say that you guys pulled through again. Unfortunately, I could only choose 18 ugly lamps, which means a lot of truly horrendous lamps got left out. I try my hardest to choose the widest selection of ugly to offer you and your tender eyeballs, and even made a little categorized chart to organize each style of lamp to keep things evened out. In case you are curious, those categories were “Figurine,” “Animal,” “Just Weird,” and … “Demonic.”
Yeah, this year is going to be a scary one.
Anyway, please don’t feel bad if your lamp didn’t make the cut. Perhaps it was too similar to a lamp I’ve already featured in the previous years. (I was terrified to discover that there is more than one lamp in the universe made from deer feet). Or maybe you are one of the many people who sent in a pig lamp, and I couldn’t choose just one. (So. Many. Pig. Lamps. So. Many. Whys?) But in any case, thanks again for submitting your photos and participating in the contest! You are what makes it happen.
A quick recap of how this works for the new kids: There are three rounds of six lamps each. Voting is held each day, with the top two highest-scoring lamps in each round moving on to the final round on Thursday. We vote on the final six, and the triumphant winner is crowned on Friday! Please be sure to come back and vote everyday this week!
And now it’s finally here ….
The moment you’ve waited all year for …
The moment Dramamine was invented for …
The moment it’s too late to turn back from now …
Round One of the 2015 Ugly Lamp Contest has begun!
from Laurie
I call this one “Pepto-Painted Primate Perches Pensively in Pearls.” I admit, those tasteful strands of pearls really fooled me at first, but upon closer inspection I was like “Oh wait, this lamp might be actually be a little bit ugly after all.” (sarcasm)
from Amber
My, what blue eyes you have! My, what a … uh … nice tan you have! My, what a strange pipe you have. That IS a pipe, right? Because my only other guess is that a stray tooth has escaped the confines of your mouth and is now jutting uncomfortably out through your face. Probably the least of your worries either way.
from Missey B.
I like to call this one “A Reptile Disfunction.’
from Tricia
The electricity-meter lamp is perfect for when you are a joyless bitter soul and want your guests to know exactly how many kilowatts per hour you’ve wasted on their miserable company. Now turn off the lights and go away.
from Kimberly K.
Anyone who has vacationed in the islands longs to bring a little piece of it back home. Sure, you could buy some postcards or souvenirs, or bring back a little bottle of sand, but wait! I have something better. For the bargain price of $124, you can remember your tropical getaway every day for the rest of your life with this heavily shellacked monstrosity of a lamp! Made from what amounts to palm tree garbage, this ‘wishing well’ features shoddily nailed together parts, jagged and dangerous edges, and a dusty old lightbulb! You’ll ‘wish’ you’d have bought one for every room in your house!!! Aloha!
from Kristina
No words necessary.
But therapy, yes. Lots and lots of therapy necessary. And a fresh set of underwear.
Maybe two.
Vote now! And don’t be shy about leaving your own thoughts in the comments! That’s the very best part of this whole thing.
Can’t see the poll? Click here.
Come back tomorrow to see which lamps will be moving on, and to vote for the next crop of uglies in Round Two!
58 Comments
JJ
August 24, 2015 at 5:00 AMThese are really all so awful! They aren’t just weird, they are downright scary. I’m almost to scared to look again before I vote.
Lil
August 24, 2015 at 5:08 AMI want to vote for them all!!!
Ashley
August 24, 2015 at 5:42 AMI might be the only one, but I think the energy meter lamp is actually kinda cool!
Though I don’t know how sound my judgement is, I own a rotary dial phone lamp that I am absolutely in love with.
Rosie S
August 24, 2015 at 5:55 AMI laughed so hard, I am now crying….great job, lamp hunters!!!! Great descriptions, Lindsey….really, I look forward to this all year! 🙂
Janet
August 24, 2015 at 6:16 AMWhere do people come up these things? And Lindsey, the things you name them! Half my voting is based on the lamp itself and half on what you name it. (It’s kinda like selecting paint colors for me, I can’t pick a paint color with a stupid name. I spotted a paint color I thought I liked for my bedroom but when it was named goat’s beard, I rejected it.)
Anyway, back on track… And what delusional person priced the rouge tooth guy for $100? And there are not 1, but a PAIR of Palm Tree Foliage lamps? Did the same delusional person price that pair for $124? I would need to be paid, a lot, to take those lamps home with me. And if a stipulation of getting paid to take a lamp was that I had to keep said lamp for a year before throwing out, I think I would need a figure that is 4 digits long to feel like it was worth it!
Cathy M.
August 24, 2015 at 6:30 AMGreat (in terms of ugly) lamps. I have to tell you that my grandmother worked for the power company in her area, and we had a power meter lamp given to us by her. I can’t remember if my parents actually used it in our house, but I do remember it was definitely nicer looking that this one. I also remember that my dad would screw in one of those sockets with the extra outlets and take it places to show how much extra power various electrical appliances used by plugging them into the outlet socket. He especially loved to show how much extra electricity was used by curling irons and clothes irons. If I came across one, I would be ever so slightly tempted to buy it for nostalgia, but I can guarantee it would live its days in the workshop or someplace like that. 🙂
Janet
August 24, 2015 at 6:40 AMI went with the pink monkey lamp because it’s truly the ugliest. But that clown lava lamp? I may never be the same after seeing that. Ugh, can you imagine waking up to that thing staring at you in the middle of the night? Gah!
Tracy
August 24, 2015 at 6:50 AMHahahaha! Great first round. So I start scrolling and with the monkey I’m like WTF? And then the homage to Castaway and Tom Hanks with an off center trach was just wrong. LOL The reptile was just gross as I imagine that tail slithering through – YUCK! But for me – LavaHead Clown wins the day. Creep factor is off the charts! Great job Lindsey!
Pat
August 24, 2015 at 7:07 AMI have to admit I am a fan of lamps in general. This was tough though….beyond ugly every one! Don’t you wonder who had these, or has these in their home right now? I look forward to the next group. Can’t imagine it could be uglier than this bunch !
Stephanie
August 24, 2015 at 7:17 AMThese are all so incredible, I wish I could vote for every one. That electric meter is priceless!
Vel
August 24, 2015 at 7:44 AMIt just keeps getting tougher and tougher each year! LOL!
Beth
August 24, 2015 at 7:56 AMI haven’t seen the rest of the contestants, but Lava Clown could totally take this contest. I wasn’t before, but now I’m afraid of clowns. And lamps. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 🙂
Rose
August 24, 2015 at 7:58 AMI’m with Ashley, I think the electric meter lamp is kinda cool. It’s like a (bad) nod to steam punk or something. I’m also okay with the egg/lizard lamp. It’s ugly but I feel like it could work in a Jurassic Park themed room or something. The rest are awful! That palm frond lamp is hideous. The clown lava lamp is plain scary. The monkey pales in comparison with those two… Just rip off the pearls and grungy shade and paint it white and then get rid of it immediately.
Arli
August 24, 2015 at 8:01 AMIt is truly hard to choose…they are all HIDEOUS! This contest is so much fun. Thanks for hosting it again.
Kimberly
August 24, 2015 at 8:20 AMI’m assuming Lava Clown was in your “demonic” category? And I’m with Tracy above, I thought the tooth guy’s tooth or “pipe” was an off-center trach, too! And compliments to you on your lovely primate alliteration 🙂
christine
August 24, 2015 at 8:27 AMEach lamp got worse as I scrolled down.
But that clown…THE SCARIEST AND UGLIEST!!!
Love this contest. Best contest in Blogland!
Gail
August 24, 2015 at 8:43 AMLava Clown for the win. I expect this one to take the grand prize. It fits in so well with your readers.
Therapy, lots of therapy for that one!
Beth @ Sawdust and Embryos
August 24, 2015 at 8:58 AMUmmmmmm… SO DISTURBING! This year is by far the grossest. And this is ONLY THE FIRST DAY! Congrats. 🙂
Tenille
August 24, 2015 at 9:04 AMHoly Cow! What disturbed people created these lamps!! I think you are going to have to start awarding separate categories like creepiest lamp, disgusting lamp, nightmare lamp, etc. Thanks for the contest I look forward to it every year!
Patty
August 24, 2015 at 9:08 AMI kind of like the meter one. True, it isn’t pretty in any way, but it is kind of a fun idea.
Lesley
August 24, 2015 at 9:13 AMWOW round 1 is VERY hard!
Lesley
August 24, 2015 at 9:16 AMThat clown one is what horror films are made of!
Elaine Wagg
August 24, 2015 at 9:24 AMSeveral potential winners already in the first day! I’m going to keep my eyes open all year for ugly lamps since nothing in my local thrift stores remotely came close to any of these. And who are the people out there who like clown stuff? Do they exist? Do they have meetings (Clown Con?)where they swap stories of terrorizing grown adults?
Jolene
August 24, 2015 at 10:17 AMFabulously horrible! I’m like you, in disbelief that there can still be so many ugly lamps out there. Where do these keep coming from?!? I laughed and cringed at this new amazing selection for round one. I don’t go in for creepy in any way, so I just dismiss terrorizing clowns and disgusting scull things. But that little monkey up there? LOL! SO. UGLY.
laura
August 24, 2015 at 11:10 AMYour names for the lamps are amazing! The meter lamp could be really cool. The clown one will haunt me for quite some time!!
Bets
August 24, 2015 at 11:41 AMWow. I must say… this contest is getting so sophisticated!! The first five years I was able to peruse the selections and choose the ugliest. Simple. Now, they’re ALL the ugliest. Whew. I’ve had to up my criteria for how I vote. So here is my rationale:
1. While the monkey lamp is certainly the ugliest, I think the shade adds to its hideousness. Some of the other lamps don’t have shades to up their ugly quotient, so I dismissed the monkey lamp as having an unfair advantage.
2. While the pipe/trach man lamp is certainly the ugliest, I do feel there was some (misplaced and completely wasted) skill in creating it, so I dismissed it.
3. While the reptile lamp is certainly the ugliest, and I can’t figure out what room this lamp would grace (the bathroom? a guest-who-you-don’t-want-to-stay-longer-than-one-night room?), it has a certain flow and sense of theme, so I dismissed it.
4. The meter lamp, while perhaps not the ugliest, is still… um… yeah, I don’t get it.
5. The palm fronds lamp. I’ll get to this in a minute.
6. While the demonic clown lamp is certainly the ugliest, and I can definitely see why it has taken the popular vote, I do believe that the creator of this lamp (Satan himself?) knew what they were doing. This was no accident folks, this person intended to scare the crap out of you and run local clown rental services out of businesses. For this mean-spirited intent, I dismissed it.
Which leads me to number 5, the shellac-ed palm fronds. Someone (and I’m guessing it was not a professional lamp maker, ya think?) built this monstrosity, looked at it and said, “This is SO great, I need a PAIR of them.” A PAIR. They made this horrible lamp TWICE because one wasn’t enough!!! And then, and then, someone slaps a price tag of more than ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS on these lamps. This makes my brain hurt. That is why this lamp is the clear winner.
Note: I will be applying this same judging criteria to the Presidential elections this year. Because why not?
Lindsey @ Better After
August 24, 2015 at 10:21 PMHAAAAAA!! This comment just made my night!
Ashley
August 24, 2015 at 12:07 PMTrach Tube Tony gets my vote! I’m glad others saw the same thing I did. I’ve clearly found my tribe 😉
Tricia
August 24, 2015 at 12:42 PMBoy, is it fun to scroll through and see the lamp you submitted!
For anyone interested, the lamp is still available at the thrift store and can be yours for a mere $195. Yes, that’s one hundred and ninety five dollars.
Just say the word and send a check and it can be all yours!
(maybe it should be a money order rather than a check.)
Tricia
Amy
August 24, 2015 at 1:07 PMAs I scrolled through I kept thinking each one got my vote. Then I got to the last one and said Holy. Crap. Right out loud. Here by myself. Where I am now sitting with all the lights on because I am totally creeped out. *shudder*
Heather M
August 24, 2015 at 1:29 PMOh my!!! That was such a hard choice because they were all so bad! I laughed my guts out at “a reptile dysfunction.” You were wrong. It isn’t the lamps that make this contest so dang awesome, its your commentary! I seriously laugh so hard at everything you say!
nancy
August 24, 2015 at 2:18 PMWhat fun!!!! At least they’re not labeled “Fra-gee-lee”. Although all of them make me nauseous…the Reptile one makes my skin crawl…so it gets my vote.
Bee
August 24, 2015 at 2:39 PMA Reptile Dysfunction–great joke! But I had to go for the evil clown.
LeeAnn
August 24, 2015 at 3:01 PMThe meter lamp is cool! That would have been great when our kids were still living at home and leaving the lights on like they owned the place.
Pia
August 24, 2015 at 3:03 PMIs it just me or does #5 look like a giant cockroach?
Bonnie
August 24, 2015 at 3:03 PMEach one was worse than the one before! Culminating in the worst one of all! (I’m afraid of clowns anyway, so this vote was a no-brainer.)
Joyce
August 24, 2015 at 4:25 PMWishing well lamp, $124!!!!!! Really?!
Mary W.
August 24, 2015 at 4:42 PM“Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me. Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me.”
Bart Simpson
Khadija
August 24, 2015 at 5:34 PMWho knew so many ugly lamps existed??!!!!! LOL I do like the meter lamp but the others are seriously UGLY and scary. I think that’s a tra·che·ot·o·my hole on the heavily shellacked man-faced lamp.
Hands down though, the clown lamp is the worst thing ever. There’s no way that one can be made over unless it’s crushed into tiny bits. 😛
Sandy
August 24, 2015 at 5:37 PMWow, there are clearly a lot of people with clown issues! While I don’t think it’s the ugliest lamp I’ve ever seen, it truly is one of the creepiest.
That second one though…I can’t unsee that whatever is coming out of his mouth as a skinny, split tongue. Ewwww!
The palm frond lamp is exceptionally ugly as well, but nothing a little gasoline and a match wont fix. That would truly be a better after!
sue J
August 24, 2015 at 5:40 PMThat clown thing…..that did me in, you really didn’t need to say more. Your comments on the other lamps had me out of control! Luckily, I had my Poise on.
Chelsea
August 24, 2015 at 6:34 PMThese are all so terrifyingly great! It’s like who truly thought these were a good idea when creating them? Blows my mind!!
Shanna Gilbert
August 24, 2015 at 6:37 PMOkay, that clown lamp is the scariest freaking thing I have ever seen.
Sherron
August 24, 2015 at 6:39 PMI voted for the clown, but then I realized that if it wins this round, I will have to see it again. I’m scared!
SarahN
August 24, 2015 at 7:23 PMAs an electrical engineer at a power company, I did ‘wtf’ the power meter lamp (we have a skip bin of them at a handful of our depots), but as Ashley and Rose have said, not ugly to me. Sorta… normal’er than others.
I wish I could ‘multi pick’ cause there are a few babies – #1 is tame, but yeah, some ‘what the…?
Havok
August 24, 2015 at 8:11 PMOkay I’m concerned. How can ANYTHING beat that clown lamp. xD
Just Justin
August 24, 2015 at 8:14 PM<> Lindsey! You are the WORST! No warning on that stinkin’, rotten, freaky-deaky clown lamp?!?!?!? Scared the crap out of my wife and I!!! So, we voted for it. I hope it gives us back some of our soul if it wins. <>
Tenda
August 24, 2015 at 10:11 PMAll so very horrendous! I think the electric meter lamp is just plain funny! My 10-year-old daughter saw the 1st one and asked if there were any more ugly than that; she made it through the pile, but then had to leave after that scary clown! Can’t wait to see the next rounds…
Michelle L
August 25, 2015 at 9:31 AMAm I the only one who loves the electric meter lamp? Aside from that, a truly disgusting collection – bravos all around!
Amy U
August 25, 2015 at 9:32 AMI can’t wait to find a clown like that to use as a nightlight for the children’s bedroom! Ha hahaha!!!! And with that visualization, I felt it reined superior. All are fab though.
TaraLee
August 25, 2015 at 9:35 AMHow is it possible to choose just one? and worse, did you see the prices on those lamps? People actually paid ALOT of money to be insulted like that in their own home! I just…have no words. “Head shaking”
Lynne
August 25, 2015 at 9:58 AMJust couldn’t vote for the clown. I am too scared!
belle
August 25, 2015 at 2:31 PMWow!! Everyone outdid themselves this… including you, Lindsey!
It’s REALLY hard to pick. Pepto monkey is beyond nasty. Just, whattheheck? ugly… scary clown wins the “succeeded with your intention to terrorize” category. But, I think I’m with the previous poster who voted for the palm frond monstrosity because the designer (can you actually call them that?) intended it to be beautiful and just failed. Failed utterly and completely and quite painfully.
Susan
August 25, 2015 at 4:29 PMI do look forward to your contest every year. I laughed out loud at the monkey lamp and really, really like it for that reason. The clown lamp is horrible!
Perhaps you have to redefine, “ugly”. I think Belle is right, the palm lamp was a serious attempt to make something beautiful (?) but a total fail.
However, the monkey, shade and pearls is functionally ugly, it is great and I think I would EVEN put it in my guest room as a joke. Can you tell many people don’t visit?
Candi
August 25, 2015 at 4:29 PMI thought the blue flowers placed next to the Clown Lava Lamp really made the blue in his eyes “pop”….nice touch
It got my vote:-)
Gayle
August 25, 2015 at 5:24 PMI actually LIKE the electric meter lamp! I see I’m not the only one that feels that way, lol. Question in case I want to participate next year: Do we have to actually BUY an ugly lamp, or can we just take a pic of one that we happen to run across? BTW: I LOVE your names and descriptions. 😀
Lindsey @ Better After
August 25, 2015 at 6:45 PMNo, you don’t have to own the lamp, it just has to be your original photo!
Peg
August 25, 2015 at 6:44 PMAs if the first look through wasn’t enough, I had to do it again! #5 gets my vote because it’s just, just….yuck. The evil clown comes awfully close, though. Now I see why some people have a clown phobia!