Ugly Lamp Contest 2013: Round Three!

Ugly Lamp Contest 2013: Round Three!

Make some noise ya’ll, it’s time for Round Three!  Are you excited!  And scared?  And a little nauseous?  That’s ok.  That’s what we aim for.

But first, let’s recap yesterday’s round, or should we say BLOODBATH, with Raccoon of Utter Despair rabidly clawing his way to the top.  We’ll be seeing him again in the final round tomorrow for sure.  He’d be busy celebrating if he could stop crying.

But who will he face-off against from Round Three?  Let’s find out right now!


a 13 amber kfrom Amber K.

This dead-eyed Delta Burke came ready to play. Or kill you in your sleep. Her hands gently reach out to claim your soul, as an off-key saxophone softly plays the Designing Women theme-song in the background. You can try to awake from this nightmare, but you never will.


a 14 Andrea Hfrom Andrea H.

Hey, what’s creepier than an heavily-bearded train conductor sharing his lap with a little girl?  Not much.  Besides making a lamp out of it so you can bask in the glow of this scene daily.  (And again with the inexplicable soccer ball!?)  I want to know what he’s pointing at.  On second thought, no, I don’t.


a 15 lauren ofrom Lauren O.

This lamp is like a feline version of Paul Revere, racing through the village with a lantern held aloft to warn us of approaching enemies.  “The ugly cat lamps are coming!  The ugly cat lamps are coming!  Oh … wait.”


a 16 angela cfrom Angela C.

Hey, want to join our hobby club?  We make lamps out of dead animals!  It’s great fun.  We meet on Tuesday nights. You’re required to provide your own glue-gun and deer legs. And be a psychopath.


a 17  jenny wfrom Jenny W.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if you ate a pound of jelly-covered bacon and then threw it back up along with your entire digestive tract, and then sculpted a pendant lamp out of the whole steaming mess, wonder no more!


a 18 kalpana sfrom Kalpana S.

 Go home E.T.

You’re drunk.


And I want my tart pan back.


Vote Now!

(Having trouble seeing the poll in your tablet or reader?  Click here!)



  1. August 28, 2013 / 6:15 PM

    OMG it just keeps getting”better’!!! Poor ET, I feel for the fella’! So funny,this series always makes me laugh!~

  2. August 28, 2013 / 6:25 PM

    How on earth do I decide between Deer in the Dread-light and Bacon Barf? I know I can’t vote for #14, because that guy looks like my father-in-law…

  3. Karon
    August 28, 2013 / 6:26 PM

    A ha ha! The E.T. description was the best. You totally crack me up!!

  4. August 28, 2013 / 6:28 PM

    OMG – they are getting worse everyday! Who knew it was possible. I thought nothing could be as bad as the “foot cast” lamp from yesteryear but these are hideous! It is so hard to pick so I imagine if I had to have one on my nightstand for one week – watching me sleep, etc it helps me. So even though bacon barf if really ugly – the whole doll thing with the flirty lacy shade is like creepy beyond creepy! I imagine all the dust mites and I’m sure she smells (LOL) and I imagine her diving off the base onto my face during the night. Hee hee. So yep – Delta Burke doll scary type thing- a-bop is number one today! YIKES! LMAO!

  5. August 28, 2013 / 6:30 PM

    I am tempted to vote for ET based on your comment alone – made me guffaw (yes GUFFAW) at work. 😉

  6. Roxanne
    August 28, 2013 / 6:31 PM

    That was a hard vote, as I scrolled they continued to get uglier when I swore, nothing could be uglier than the last! Haha.

  7. wendy
    August 28, 2013 / 6:36 PM

    I think perhaps that these lovelies are found in thrift shops, and not brought home, based on all the shots with pegboard behind them. I feel kinda sorry for them, like a Disney cartoon…lovelorn lamps.

  8. August 28, 2013 / 6:50 PM

    Ok – I’ve just spent the last 10 minutes going through all 3 posts and laughing my head off here – not only at the lamps but at your commentary – Too too funny!!!
    I put my votes in all three!

  9. August 28, 2013 / 6:51 PM

    Oh God, that “bacon barf” lamp makes me think of liposuction medical waste… Ugghhhhh!!!!

  10. Alison
    August 28, 2013 / 6:52 PM

    That whole, jelly bacon intestinal mosaic melange is such a horror – that if it were to appear in my house, I’d have to move. Destroying the foul thing wouldn’t be enough to remove it’s aura.

  11. August 28, 2013 / 6:55 PM

    I keep thinking that I have seen the ugliest lamp, and then another comes along to change my mind. What the…!

  12. Jessica H
    August 28, 2013 / 7:04 PM

    The bacon barf lamp reminded me of some medical models I saw once. They were models of badly healing wounds used for teaching medical and nursing students about wound care.

  13. Kara
    August 28, 2013 / 7:28 PM

    The can one is actually pretty cool! Or, at least, the shade is. I’ve definitely been looking like a shade like that for my living room reading lamp.

  14. Kara
    August 28, 2013 / 7:29 PM

    Oops, I meant, the cat one 🙂

  15. August 28, 2013 / 7:29 PM

    I keep thinking…Are these things for real! Yep. They are cause nobody could make these things up. 😀

    Jake’s a Girl

  16. August 28, 2013 / 7:30 PM

    But! Somebody did.

    *this part is missing from my post* I think google hates me.

  17. August 28, 2013 / 7:37 PM

    Ok, these are all pretty awful, but how is the creepy pedophile guy not winning this?!?

  18. August 28, 2013 / 8:03 PM

    OMG this third round is by far the most difficult of all. They are really scary. I think I won t be able to sleep tonight.
    The best part are the comments LOL

  19. Marcee ... ILLINOIS
    August 28, 2013 / 8:12 PM

    Oh. Who can even choose? They are ALL atrocious. (Did I spell that correctly?) Ugh. Nightmares are made of these “things.” .

  20. Marcee ... ILLINOIS
    August 28, 2013 / 8:14 PM

    Hesitantly, I voted. But …. it was very difficult. Now I have a migraine.

  21. MUMZY
    August 28, 2013 / 8:15 PM

    OH, MY!!!! Not only are the lamps hilarious, so are you!!!! Seriously had to laugh loudly!!!!!

  22. August 28, 2013 / 8:23 PM

    Sooooo much ugly it’s hard to choose which is the worst. Really want to know what these people are thinking with the whole “Let’s make dead things into lamps” :/

  23. Kristin F
    August 28, 2013 / 8:26 PM

    I had no idea there were this many hideous, freaky, downright frightening lamps in the world.

  24. Nikki H
    August 28, 2013 / 8:38 PM

    Hey! I have that cat lamp, but with a solid orange shade. And little green pieces of glass for the eyes! I love that lamp. Should I hang my head in shame? NO! My daughter has already asked for it when I no longer want it.

  25. Pam D.
    August 28, 2013 / 8:54 PM

    WOW having the cord wrapped around deer legs mad it look like it was lassoed,lol,and it doesn’t seem like much light could even come out. And then here comes the bacon barf tiffany lamp,W..T..H? No words can describe the feeling I have,LOL.

  26. Barbara Brannon
    August 28, 2013 / 9:07 PM

    Your comments alone make this SO fun! I was absolutely laughing out loud (here at work no less!) when everyone came around to see what I was laughing at! We ALL had a big laugh then together! Yep – “Bacon Barf” wins today, hands down.
    Thanks for the fun!
    Barbara in TN

  27. Shanna
    August 28, 2013 / 9:28 PM

    These are so awesomely bad!!!! I have to go with creepy doll though. They are all soooo bad! Love it! Thanks for the entertainment!

  28. Amanda
    August 28, 2013 / 9:38 PM

    I actually really like the cat lamp!

  29. Marty
    August 28, 2013 / 9:48 PM

    How can they get any worse! Omgosh! What are people thinking when they create these uggly pieces!!!!

  30. Melanie
    August 28, 2013 / 10:21 PM

    ROTFL! It was hard to chose the worst, but I’ll go with #16.

  31. Jolene
    August 28, 2013 / 11:33 PM

    Oh man! This round had me laughing so hard I was crying!! ET just was the super finale! How am I supposed to pick one??

  32. August 28, 2013 / 11:42 PM

    Oh my gosh, they’re hideous, just hideous!!!!!!

  33. August 28, 2013 / 11:49 PM

    Seriously people owned these things…. and are selling them or something. They are just gross! All the ugly lamps should be burned in a huge heap but then what would entertain us?

  34. Maria
    August 28, 2013 / 11:56 PM

    I think Bacon Barf is something my cat brought up this morning. Bleurgh! Oh wait…I could sell his upchuck and make a fortune!

  35. Heather Miller
    August 29, 2013 / 12:03 AM

    I am crying I am laughing so hard at these lamps, especially that ugly E.T. one and your description is the best thing ever!!

  36. Jen
    August 29, 2013 / 12:05 AM

    OMG! How do I vote twice!
    Where the heck did the throw up lamp come from!?!? And what exactly is it??

  37. Angie
    August 29, 2013 / 12:42 AM

    I love the time of year when the Ugly Lamp Contests arrives! The only thing I look forward to more is your commentary!!! You are friggin’ hilarious!!!!

  38. August 29, 2013 / 2:08 AM

    My husband thinks the bacon barf lamp looks kind of like fruit cake. But then we read the description and said yeah that sounds about right. LOL

  39. August 29, 2013 / 2:10 AM

    you outdid yourself with your comments on this one. KILLING myself!!

  40. deb
    August 29, 2013 / 2:45 AM

    All of these are “winners”. No fair!

  41. August 29, 2013 / 2:49 AM

    I have to say, probably the ugliest lamp to my eye is the jelly and bacon throw up lamp, but I laughed out loud SO HARD when I read your cut like for the “Go home, ET.” lamp. I just had to cast my vote and say, “I only WISH I could come up with something like that!” Thanks for the laugh. Made my night, clever girl!

  42. August 29, 2013 / 3:37 AM

    I’m in TEARS!!! Oh my goodness! HAHAHA!!!

  43. stephbo93
    August 29, 2013 / 4:19 AM

    I really think the Ugly Lamp Contest should be twice a year. There’s just too much awesomeness to be crammed into one week. And I can’t believe there was a deer foot lamp after my comment yesterday. Or, rather….I *can* believe it; I just don’t *want* to believe it.

  44. lisa
    August 29, 2013 / 6:01 AM

    this round was tough ! Remember the movie “THE BLOB” ?

  45. August 29, 2013 / 12:02 PM

    SCREAMING WITH LAUGHTER!!!! You ARE SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your description of the bacon lamp had me wheezing!!!

  46. Patricia
    August 29, 2013 / 4:16 PM

    If I worked any of these thrift shops, I wouldn’t display any of those lamps.. I’d bury them out back and hope they wouldn’t haunt me for the rest of my life.

  47. Kimberly
    August 29, 2013 / 4:27 PM

    I scroll slowly through the pictures, reading each caption and dying laughing. Every. single. time. Just when I think I’ve made my choice and there couldn’t possibly be anything uglier – the next one IS! I don’t know how you’ve done it, but this year’s lamps totally beat the other years in levels of ugliness. The way I’m finding myself deciding? The one that makes my stomach church the most! Seriously! (btw, I said to myself that #17 looks like vomit BEFORE I read your comment – soooo true!)

  48. August 29, 2013 / 10:30 PM

    This is beyond hilarious! Who knew there were so many hideous lamps out there in the world! ET has my got this time, it was so hard to choose!

  49. Jerilyn
    August 30, 2013 / 5:09 PM

    Oh that ET description made me laugh til I cried. I’m know you put a lot of work into your blog and I want you to know how often you brighten my day. Keep up the good work!

  50. January 2, 2014 / 9:16 PM

    ET was hanging out with my brother-in-law last night.

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