Oh hi. You’re back for more I see. You didn’t get scared off after yesterday? Or fired? Excellllent.
If you haven’t checked out Round One yet, you can do that and vote for your favorite (or least favorite) right here. As of this moment Satan’s Booger and Moose Knuckle Chuckle are miles above the rest and will most likely make it to our final round. I personally voted for Grannytastic, because I love an underdog, and I also hate that lamp.
And now, onward! To Round Two!!
But I must warn you, you really need a strong stomach for today. No, really. Gird up your loins. Brace yourselves.
Are you braced?
Are you ready?
You’ll never be ready.
Here we go.
from Dena
Must have been arts-and-crafts night at the local brothel again. Bless their hearts. It looks like what shame feels like.
from Patricia
You want some Mickey Mouse lamps? I gots some Mickey Mouse lamps right here. What do you mean, ‘they don’t LOOK like Mickey Mouse?” Listen kid, Mickey Mouse is trademarked, you understand? These is close enough. I call em’… ehh … Mikey Mice. Put em on your table, light em up, they glow real nice, nobody knows the difference. Yeah. That’ll be forty bucks.
from Betsy
“Greetings soul. Coooome this way. Follow the light. Not that light. Thiiiiis light. I am Zorbious, your guide to the underworld. Ok, that’s stretching the truth a tad. I’m your guide to the foyer of the underworld. I’m up for a promotion though, as soon as I meet my quota for this millennia. Just a few more souls to go! Would you like a butter mint? Can I take your jacket before I usher you into the darkest abyss from whence there is no return?”
from Mariah
You know how when you work at a pet food processing plant, there’s always that ONE guy who wants to turn a beef femur into a lamp? Don’t be that guy. Don’t even talk to that guy. Probably that guy needs to get fired.
from Kate
It’s a lamp! It’s a statue! It’s a planter! It’s a water feature! Wait, wait, wait. It’s a lamp AND a water feature? That sounds terrifyingly dangerous. Who approved that idea?
I see. Carry on.
from Mel
Despite her wistful smile and suggestively unbuttoned raincoat, this lovely lass is suffering from an alarming case of IBS. Intestines as Bagpipes Situation. Seriously, I think she’s snuggling a colon. The dog seems concerned.
Can’t see the poll? Try here! Still not working? Try this!
Don’t forget to check out Round One if you missed it!
34 Comments
Ariela
August 19, 2014 at 12:11 PMLindsey, do you come up with all this hilariousness yourself? It’s comedy gold! And is there something wrong with me that I actually like the crafty brothel lamp? 😉
Lori
August 19, 2014 at 12:15 PMA little FYI for ya: #11 is actually a Rain Goddess lamp and believe it or not, they were quite popular in the 70’s. My mother-in-law had one proudly hanging in her bathroom till the day she died. Actually till the day I sold it in her estate sale. Amazingly, I didn’t have to pay someone to take it off my hands! And BTW, no water is involved. It “rains” mineral oil!
Bee
August 19, 2014 at 12:15 PMI had a sudden flashback to a fishbowl lamp that we had as children…it looked pretty but the heat from the light bulb killed the fish after a couple of hours. Wait. I may have a picture of it! But it’s not really ugly to look at…just evil and deadly to fish.
Love these ugly lamps.
Karla
August 19, 2014 at 12:20 PMMy mom’s aunt and uncle had that same oil lamp in their house. At Christmas we would visit and no matter how many times we were told not to touch it…guess what we did?!?
It was that. exact. lamp.
Sharon
August 19, 2014 at 12:26 PMReally? A beef femur? I think my dog made that lamp! It’s so agonizing being on the east coast and having to wait til mid-day for my ugly lamp chuckle! You are so funny, my daughter and I are looking forward to the rest of the contest.
Jessica H
August 19, 2014 at 12:32 PMSo hard to choose. I too remember seeing those oil raindrop lamps in the 70’s. I remember seeing them as decor in Chinese restaurants. Some were quite elaborate.
I had to vote for the Guide. As I scrolled down, I was thinking, “That’s not so bad, not great but, OH MY GOD!!!” The face close-up actually startled me.
Hanna
August 19, 2014 at 12:35 PMCan I just tell you that your commentary is what makes or breaks the lamps for me?! So funny! “It looks like what shame feels like.” Laughing so hard at that one!
Lil
August 19, 2014 at 12:43 PMThat bone lamp… WTF !?!?
Thanks for the nightmares.
Deb-IL
August 19, 2014 at 12:48 PMLindsey I look forward to this every year! The lamps are hideously hysterical, but you are what keeps me coming back! You crack me up almost daily and your perspective on stuff is priceless – where does your sense of humor come from?! Do you need to get out more, hon?
Suzan
August 19, 2014 at 12:49 PMAre you SURE that is the femur of a cow or bull or whatever? If so, WHY for the love of all that is good and pure, would someone turn something like that into a lamp?!?
Robyn S.
August 19, 2014 at 12:59 PMHilarious! I almost voted for the water feature lamp, but it’s not so much ugly as fascinating. Beef femur it is.
lisa
August 19, 2014 at 1:20 PMThis group was a bit harder for me to decide on but really, a femur. I could not let that slide. I am very frightened for what is next.
Bonnie
August 19, 2014 at 1:28 PMOMG. I honestly didn’t think the lamps could get worse. Now I think Beefy Camel Toe has to win.
Alma
August 19, 2014 at 1:36 PMOk, lady, you are in the wrong business. Comedy writing is what you should do! I had not laughed so hard in a long time!!!
Cathie
August 19, 2014 at 1:37 PMI actually recoiled from the mice lamp, but only a beef bone leg could make me want to puke.
Jamie Lynn
August 19, 2014 at 1:49 PMI actually still have one of those mineral oil lamps! Both my family and my grandparents had one – ours was hanging in our picture window in the living room. The one that belonged to my grandparents was inherited with the house. It still worked last time I plugged it in a few years ago – although while in storage it got knocked over and most of the oil spilled out. We’d always referred to them as “Diana lamps”. I googled it and found a couple – they’re pretty expensive! I still like it though and definitely would still display it if I had the room!! 🙂
That bone lamp though – WHY?!?!
Michelle L
August 19, 2014 at 2:15 PMBwahahaha! I am sorry now that I voted for femur because it’s a lock, and I want Mikey Mouse to be in the running. Lindsey, this is so much fun and you are going above and beyond with the funny!
Kimberly
August 19, 2014 at 2:42 PMOh my goodness!! I forgot how much I love this feature of yours! Your commentary on each lamp is really what makes it! We totally had #11 hanging in our house (it’s really more of a chandelier) in the early 70s…droplets of oil would rotate around on those “wires”. To look like water I guess? I had to vote for the bone lamp, though, because it made me audibly gasp. EWWW!
Mumzy
August 19, 2014 at 3:35 PMI am seriously cracking up at your descriptions!!!! Oh, horrors!!!! These are TERRIBLE!!
LeeAnn
August 19, 2014 at 4:07 PMYou hope that femur came from a cow. It looks like something from Crimimal Minds.
Rebekah
August 19, 2014 at 4:37 PMBeef Femur is gonna win this year! I can NOT imagine it getting any worse than that!!!!
johanna
August 19, 2014 at 6:18 PMYou are too funny! No your not, I can’t have too much humor. Hysterical, craft night at the brotheL! the guide lamp! You get funnier and funnier. Oh, you should host a stand up blog night. You could sell out a stadium.
Lois
August 19, 2014 at 9:09 PMYou’ve outdone yourself this year. A beef femur, seriously? Yuck
istuke
August 19, 2014 at 9:14 PMThe water hazard oil lamp: I waitressed at a restaurant in college (in the 90s). One night a man brought this lamp in and set it up next to his table. When his girlfriend joined him, he turned on the lamp and she realized he had hung a diamond ring inside the lamp… that’s how he proposed!?!
Lindsey @ Better After
August 20, 2014 at 9:31 AMThis might be the best story I ever heard. How BIZARRE! I hope she ran far and fast!
Maria B.
August 19, 2014 at 9:27 PMI love your hilarious commentary. They are all very bad but the bone thing is outrageous in a BAD way.
Renee
August 19, 2014 at 11:19 PMJust finish the contest here and now, the beef femur wins! Lol 😉
Sharon - IN
August 20, 2014 at 6:02 AMThat beef bone is just wrong!
Britt G
August 20, 2014 at 6:29 AMWheeze laughing at #9, and its reappearance at # 11. OMG!! hahahaha
tracie c.
August 20, 2014 at 7:27 AMi was having a shit day and then this!!!!!! i laughed out loud and even had some tears! it started with gird your loins and went from there! zorbious! BEEF FEMUR! every one of them was a WTF were they thinking. horribly delicious!
Laurie V
August 20, 2014 at 8:46 AMI think I saw that same bone lamp on the Serial Killer Home Decor website.
Ariela
August 20, 2014 at 9:10 AMThank you Laurie!! I totally agree. I had to come back and say that the beef femur lamps looks like something that Jeffrey Dahmer had in his apartment! Except for his bones were actually cleaner and better-looking. Lord forgive me for saying that!
KWolff
August 20, 2014 at 1:30 PMOh my gosh! My parents had one of the “water feature” lamps in our old house. I really did love that lamp when I was little. Now I can’t remember seeing it after we moved . I’ll have to ask my mom what happened to it. I just remember thinking it was so cool. My friends always asked to turn it on when they would come over.
Shawn
August 20, 2014 at 10:17 PMBeef femur lamp just about made me hurl; therefore I voted for it. 🙂