2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: Round 2

2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: Round 2

Oh hi.  You’re back for more I see.  You didn’t get scared off after yesterday? Or fired?  Excellllent.

If you haven’t checked out Round One yet, you can do that and vote for your favorite (or least favorite) right here.  As of this moment Satan’s Booger and Moose Knuckle Chuckle are miles above the rest and will most likely make it to our final round. I personally voted for Grannytastic, because I love an underdog, and I also hate that lamp.

And now, onward! To Round Two!!

But I must warn you, you really need a strong stomach for today.  No, really.  Gird up your loins.  Brace yourselves.




Are you braced?




Are you ready?




You’ll never be ready.




Here we go.



7denafrom Dena

Must have been arts-and-crafts night at the local brothel again. Bless their hearts. It looks like what shame feels like.



8patriciafrom Patricia

You want some Mickey Mouse lamps? I gots some Mickey Mouse lamps right here.  What do you mean, ‘they don’t LOOK like Mickey Mouse?” Listen kid, Mickey Mouse is trademarked, you understand?  These is close enough. I call em’… ehh … Mikey Mice. Put em on your table, light em up, they glow real nice, nobody knows the difference.  Yeah. That’ll be forty bucks.



9betsyfrom Betsy

“Greetings soul. Coooome this way.  Follow the light.  Not that light. Thiiiiis light.  I am Zorbious, your guide to the underworld. Ok, that’s stretching the truth a tad. I’m your guide to the foyer of the underworld. I’m up for a promotion though, as soon as I meet my quota for this millennia.  Just a few more souls to go! Would you like a butter mint? Can I take your jacket before I usher you into the darkest abyss from whence there is no return?”



10mariahfrom Mariah

You know how when you work at a pet food processing plant, there’s always that ONE guy who wants to turn a beef femur into a lamp? Don’t be that guy.  Don’t even talk to that guy.  Probably that guy needs to get fired.



11katefrom Kate

It’s a lamp! It’s a statue! It’s a planter! It’s a water feature! Wait, wait, wait. It’s a lamp AND a water feature? That sounds terrifyingly dangerous. Who approved that idea?

faceI see.  Carry on.



12melfrom Mel

Despite her wistful smile and suggestively unbuttoned raincoat, this lovely lass is suffering from an alarming case of IBS.  Intestines as Bagpipes Situation.  Seriously, I think she’s snuggling a colon. The dog seems concerned.


Vote Now!

survey tool

Can’t see the poll?  Try here!  Still not working? Try this!

Don’t forget to check out Round One if you missed it!



  1. August 19, 2014 / 12:11 PM

    Lindsey, do you come up with all this hilariousness yourself? It’s comedy gold! And is there something wrong with me that I actually like the crafty brothel lamp? 😉

  2. Lori
    August 19, 2014 / 12:15 PM

    A little FYI for ya: #11 is actually a Rain Goddess lamp and believe it or not, they were quite popular in the 70’s. My mother-in-law had one proudly hanging in her bathroom till the day she died. Actually till the day I sold it in her estate sale. Amazingly, I didn’t have to pay someone to take it off my hands! And BTW, no water is involved. It “rains” mineral oil!

  3. Bee
    August 19, 2014 / 12:15 PM

    I had a sudden flashback to a fishbowl lamp that we had as children…it looked pretty but the heat from the light bulb killed the fish after a couple of hours. Wait. I may have a picture of it! But it’s not really ugly to look at…just evil and deadly to fish.

    Love these ugly lamps.

  4. Karla
    August 19, 2014 / 12:20 PM

    My mom’s aunt and uncle had that same oil lamp in their house. At Christmas we would visit and no matter how many times we were told not to touch it…guess what we did?!?
    It was that. exact. lamp.

  5. Sharon
    August 19, 2014 / 12:26 PM

    Really? A beef femur? I think my dog made that lamp! It’s so agonizing being on the east coast and having to wait til mid-day for my ugly lamp chuckle! You are so funny, my daughter and I are looking forward to the rest of the contest.

  6. Jessica H
    August 19, 2014 / 12:32 PM

    So hard to choose. I too remember seeing those oil raindrop lamps in the 70’s. I remember seeing them as decor in Chinese restaurants. Some were quite elaborate.
    I had to vote for the Guide. As I scrolled down, I was thinking, “That’s not so bad, not great but, OH MY GOD!!!” The face close-up actually startled me.

  7. Hanna
    August 19, 2014 / 12:35 PM

    Can I just tell you that your commentary is what makes or breaks the lamps for me?! So funny! “It looks like what shame feels like.” Laughing so hard at that one!

  8. Lil
    August 19, 2014 / 12:43 PM

    That bone lamp… WTF !?!?
    Thanks for the nightmares.

  9. Deb-IL
    August 19, 2014 / 12:48 PM

    Lindsey I look forward to this every year! The lamps are hideously hysterical, but you are what keeps me coming back! You crack me up almost daily and your perspective on stuff is priceless – where does your sense of humor come from?! Do you need to get out more, hon?

  10. August 19, 2014 / 12:49 PM

    Are you SURE that is the femur of a cow or bull or whatever? If so, WHY for the love of all that is good and pure, would someone turn something like that into a lamp?!?

  11. Robyn S.
    August 19, 2014 / 12:59 PM

    Hilarious! I almost voted for the water feature lamp, but it’s not so much ugly as fascinating. Beef femur it is.

  12. lisa
    August 19, 2014 / 1:20 PM

    This group was a bit harder for me to decide on but really, a femur. I could not let that slide. I am very frightened for what is next.

  13. Bonnie
    August 19, 2014 / 1:28 PM

    OMG. I honestly didn’t think the lamps could get worse. Now I think Beefy Camel Toe has to win.

  14. Alma
    August 19, 2014 / 1:36 PM

    Ok, lady, you are in the wrong business. Comedy writing is what you should do! I had not laughed so hard in a long time!!!

  15. Cathie
    August 19, 2014 / 1:37 PM

    I actually recoiled from the mice lamp, but only a beef bone leg could make me want to puke.

  16. Jamie Lynn
    August 19, 2014 / 1:49 PM

    I actually still have one of those mineral oil lamps! Both my family and my grandparents had one – ours was hanging in our picture window in the living room. The one that belonged to my grandparents was inherited with the house. It still worked last time I plugged it in a few years ago – although while in storage it got knocked over and most of the oil spilled out. We’d always referred to them as “Diana lamps”. I googled it and found a couple – they’re pretty expensive! I still like it though and definitely would still display it if I had the room!! 🙂

    That bone lamp though – WHY?!?!

  17. August 19, 2014 / 2:15 PM

    Bwahahaha! I am sorry now that I voted for femur because it’s a lock, and I want Mikey Mouse to be in the running. Lindsey, this is so much fun and you are going above and beyond with the funny!

  18. Kimberly
    August 19, 2014 / 2:42 PM

    Oh my goodness!! I forgot how much I love this feature of yours! Your commentary on each lamp is really what makes it! We totally had #11 hanging in our house (it’s really more of a chandelier) in the early 70s…droplets of oil would rotate around on those “wires”. To look like water I guess? I had to vote for the bone lamp, though, because it made me audibly gasp. EWWW!

  19. Mumzy
    August 19, 2014 / 3:35 PM

    I am seriously cracking up at your descriptions!!!! Oh, horrors!!!! These are TERRIBLE!!

  20. LeeAnn
    August 19, 2014 / 4:07 PM

    You hope that femur came from a cow. It looks like something from Crimimal Minds.

  21. August 19, 2014 / 4:37 PM

    Beef Femur is gonna win this year! I can NOT imagine it getting any worse than that!!!!

  22. johanna
    August 19, 2014 / 6:18 PM

    You are too funny! No your not, I can’t have too much humor. Hysterical, craft night at the brotheL! the guide lamp! You get funnier and funnier. Oh, you should host a stand up blog night. You could sell out a stadium.

  23. August 19, 2014 / 9:09 PM

    You’ve outdone yourself this year. A beef femur, seriously? Yuck

  24. istuke
    August 19, 2014 / 9:14 PM

    The water hazard oil lamp: I waitressed at a restaurant in college (in the 90s). One night a man brought this lamp in and set it up next to his table. When his girlfriend joined him, he turned on the lamp and she realized he had hung a diamond ring inside the lamp… that’s how he proposed!?!

  25. Maria B.
    August 19, 2014 / 9:27 PM

    I love your hilarious commentary. They are all very bad but the bone thing is outrageous in a BAD way.

  26. Renee
    August 19, 2014 / 11:19 PM

    Just finish the contest here and now, the beef femur wins! Lol 😉

  27. August 20, 2014 / 6:02 AM

    That beef bone is just wrong!

  28. Britt G
    August 20, 2014 / 6:29 AM

    Wheeze laughing at #9, and its reappearance at # 11. OMG!! hahahaha

  29. August 20, 2014 / 7:27 AM

    i was having a shit day and then this!!!!!! i laughed out loud and even had some tears! it started with gird your loins and went from there! zorbious! BEEF FEMUR! every one of them was a WTF were they thinking. horribly delicious!

  30. Laurie V
    August 20, 2014 / 8:46 AM

    I think I saw that same bone lamp on the Serial Killer Home Decor website.

  31. August 20, 2014 / 9:10 AM

    Thank you Laurie!! I totally agree. I had to come back and say that the beef femur lamps looks like something that Jeffrey Dahmer had in his apartment! Except for his bones were actually cleaner and better-looking. Lord forgive me for saying that!

  32. August 20, 2014 / 9:31 AM

    This might be the best story I ever heard. How BIZARRE! I hope she ran far and fast!

  33. KWolff
    August 20, 2014 / 1:30 PM

    Oh my gosh! My parents had one of the “water feature” lamps in our old house. I really did love that lamp when I was little. Now I can’t remember seeing it after we moved . I’ll have to ask my mom what happened to it. I just remember thinking it was so cool. My friends always asked to turn it on when they would come over.

  34. Shawn
    August 20, 2014 / 10:17 PM

    Beef femur lamp just about made me hurl; therefore I voted for it. 🙂

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