Did you wake up this morning with a gnawing sense of dread? A burning pit of fear and anxiety growing in your stomach? That can only mean one thing.
The 5th Annual Better After Ugly Lamp Contest has officially begun!!!
Get the eyebleach at the ready. Or a barf bag. Or a therapy animal. Better get all three, to be safe.
If you’re new to the Ugly Lamp Contest, here’s how it works. A panel of judges including myself have sorted through every single submission and selected only the ugliest of the ugly. It was not an easy task, no sir. I am sad to have left out many truly heinous lamps in an effort to bring you the widest assortment of ugly possible.
There are 18 contenders total. Voting will begin today with the first set of six, then the second set of six tomorrow, and so on and so forth. On the fourth day, the top two vote-getters from each round will go head-to-head, or bulb-to-bulb, in a final showdown before we crown our ultimate winner on Friday.
Are you excited!? Nauseous? A little gassy? Then you’re all set.
Let it begin.
Oh my land! What a dirty little mess you are! Have you been hiding bodies in the woods again?
I hung this lamp in my children’s room and told them that every time they misbehaved, Satan’s booger would light up. It worked like a charm. I haven’t seen them since.
If you’ve ever wished for the style and convenience of a granny-lamp-and-picture-frame-all-in-one, you’re not alone. Wait, yes you are.
I call this lamp “Angry Naked Boy with Permanent Chocolate Milk Mustache Riding Even Angrier Dolphin, Probably Into the Depths of Hell.” I was going to name my band that, but it was a little too long. I think we might just go with Demon Dolphin of Fury. Haven’t decided yet.
Judging by his passionate embrace, it seems that this roadrunner is having trouble giving up on the ‘southwest’ trend. Let it go man. It’s over. It’s like, way over. Please stop making out with the lamp. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.
There are so many things wrong with this lamp, I can’t even. On a scale of one to even, I can’t. It really boils down to two words.
See you tomorrow for Round Two!