Ugly Lamp Contest: Round I
Aug 20, 2012
Strap on your protective eye gear and get your therapist on speakerphone, because it's here!
Today's the day!
I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!
Before we commence with the terror, let me fill you in a little on how this thing works. There are eighteen contestants total. We will have three rounds of voting: six lamps per day. Thursday, the top two vote-getters from each round will compete in the final round. The winner will be announced on Friday and receive a $100 Target Giftcard!
It was SO HARD to narrow down the contestants. I received so many ugly lamp submissions I think I'm suffering from PTULED. (Post-traumatic ugly lamp exposure disorder). By the end of the week, you'll probably have it too. I had to rule out a few that were too similar to last year's contestants, and I received a lot of nearly identical ugly lamps (horrifyingly true), but rest assured, I have hand-picked the ugliest of the ugly for your viewing pleasure.
Let it begin.
Perch this subtly sinister clown on your nightstand if you want the opposite of a good night's sleep. I don't know what his little clarinet is for, but I suspect it's used to gently lure your soul down into the depths of Clown Hell as you sleep.
Holy ghostly! These severed, supplicating hands actually make me want to stop praying.
Who doesn't want, nay, NEED a lampburger? You know, for when hunger and darkness strike. At the same time.
The only thing scarier than this lacy lady's dead-eyed stare is how quickly she and her yards and yards of crispy lace are likely to go up in flames.
As if this life-sized (!) pair of flirty farm kids wasn't bad enough, it was actually a hand-made gift meant to portray Sarah's father-in-law and mother-in-law, who insisted she display it prominently in her home.
If you ever start feeling bad about life, just flick on ol' Gloomy-Hobo-in-a-Box. Ain't nobody got it bad as he does. He's a hobo, for one. In a box. And his only friends are birds. Dead ones.