2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: WINNER!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!  The Ugliest Lamp of 2014 has been chosen!

(fanfare, fireworks, confetti cannons, trumpets!)

With a record-breaking 48% of the final votes, in all his nausea-inducing glory, allow me to introduce our champion, our conquering hero, our grand-master of Ugly:




Oh yeah.  I knew in my heart that Beef Femur was a winner the second this picture popped up in my inbox.

When Mariah submitted this glorious mummified meat stump to the contest she explained, “My husband works for a pet food company. They make everything from dry food to jerky and everything in between. They also process bones as chew toys. I’m not sure who made the decision to make this particular piece, but at some point someone decided that a good way to display their product was to turn it into a lamp. The lamp is made of a genuine beef femur, complete with dried flesh and liquid smoke, dipped in poly to preserve that recently-dead look. I’d say the bone is about two feet tall. I’m including some close-up shots just in case you really want to look closer. I’d advise against it.”

Well Mariah, you should find whoever it was that made this lamp and shake their hand, because they just helped you win a $100 gift card of your choice!  (Actually, I would avoid talking to that crazy person at all costs).

And now, Beef Femur shall be forever remembered, as he takes his rightful place among the past champions in our Ugly Lamp Hall of Fame.


2010Alien Matador


2011Broken Leg Lamp


2012Demon Skull


2013Bacon Barf

2014winnerBeef Femur


Thanks so much to everyone who submitted a lamp.  I always feel bad that I can’t include them all. It’s always a little heartbreaking to weed them down to manageable 18.

I hope you enjoyed the contest! I have to thank everyone who voted and commented too. Your comments are hands-down the very best part of this for me. SO funny!  Someone commented that they weren’t offended by the beef leg, just offended that it had such a boring lampshade. Haha! If you haven’t read through them you should take a minute to do it, they are sure to make you laugh.

ugly lamp logo 2014

What will next year bring?  I’ll need a full year of therapy before I can even begin to wonder.  As for you, be sure to keep a sharp eye out! You may be the one to discover next year’s winner!

Check out all the contestants from 2014 in Round 1, Round 2, Round 3, and the Battle Round.

Here are a the Battle Rounds from previous years too! 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010.

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Ugly Lamp Contest: FINAL ROUND!

Welcome to the 2014 Ugly Lamp Contest BATTLE ROUND! Today, the top two ugliest lamps (as voted on by you, dear readers) from our three previous rounds will compete in one final face-off before we crown our victor tomorrow! (Check out Round 1, Round 2, and Round 3 to see them all).

Who’s it going to be?  Will Beef Femur grind his competition into jerky bits like he did in Round Two, or will it be a dirty fight to the finish? Only one way to find out.

Get your voting finger stretched out and warmed up, troops.  The blessed end is near.

Here, in no particular order, are your finalists:



1finaldawnfrom Dawn

Moose Knuckle Chuckle easily creeped out enough voters to secure himself a solid place in the finals. I feel like I should have added a disclaimer to our pal Moose: If you don’t know what a ‘moose knuckle’ is, you might want to refrain from googling it in the presence of young children or your boss.  Maybe I should have just named him Bulgy Wedgie, and left it at that.



2finalmariahfrom Mariah

Beef Femur pulverized the competition in his round, with an impressive 85% of the vote. Will he send everyone to the slaughterhouse again? Or will he find himself on the chopping block this time? He’s been there before and isn’t keen to go back.



3finalpatriciafrom Patricia

Mikey Mice squeaked out a distant second place behind Beef Femur in Round 2, qualifying them to enter the Battle Round.  Will they claw their way to the top, or sink sadly back into second-hand store oblivion? They appear to be devising an evil master plan as we speak.



from Sarah

Satan’s Booger snot-rocketed his way into the top spot, carrying the lead in Round 1. He’s got his game face on.  He’s ready to play.  Actually, I think that’s just his regular face.



5finalmichellefrom Michelle

If the Ice Cream Addicts can pull themselves together enough to compete, they may have a chance at slurping up a victory.  C’mon, look alive kids, look alive! Look … awake?  Sigh. Nevermind.



6finalgeorgiafrom Georgia

And lastly, Tacky McMannequin is our final victor from the challenging Round 3. It went back and forth all day, but she finally elbowed her way to the top.  A considerable feat, considering she has no elbows.  Can she hold her own against the rest, or is she all dressed up with no place to go?  (She’ll be all dressed up that is, as soon as she finds her pants.  And her butt).



Vote Now!

On a mobile device? See the poll HERE.

Check out the other rounds here: Round 1, Round 2, and Round 3

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2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: Round Three

This is it guys.  The last round of voting before the top six compete tomorrow. How are you doing?  Hanging in there?  Or have you become hardened?  Toughened by the overexposure of ugly that the last few days have wrought, a stony shell of your former self?  It’s ok to cry.

As far as yesterday goes, no surprises, Beef Femur dominated Round Two by a landslide.  Coming in a very distant second was Mikey Mice.  Will things change when they go head-to-head with the all the winners in the battle round?  We shall see tomorrow!  If you missed those, click here to vote in Round One and Round Two.

PS: Your comments are killing me!  Apparently the ‘water feature’ lamp from yesterday is actually a ‘vintage treasure’ (I use the term loosely) that many of you have shared fond memories of.  Yeah. Still veryveryugly.  (But worth a lot on ebay!)

And now.

The moment you’ve all been waiting for/secretly hoping would never come.

Round Three has begun.

Find a buddy.  Hum a hymn. Don’t look back.

Here we go.


13stephaniefrom Stephanie

This one might be a ‘vintage treasure’ too.  Or it might be an alien weakly disguised as a Star Trek character, whose hobbies include fencing, posing sassily, and being a lamp.

I’m going to go with the second one.


14georgiafrom Georgia

If Lady Gaga, Liberace, and Britney Spears all got together and designed a lamp … it would be way less tacky than this thing. On the other hand, it looks like those arts-and-crafts-loving ladies from yesterday have really upped their game!



15mollyfrom Molly

Oooh, Adam.  You’re getting a little … puffy.  Maybe you need to cut back on the carbs.  Hey look, there’s a salad in your lap!


16michellefrom Michelle

This is more than a mere lamp, it’s a cautionary moral tale, warning kids about the dangers of overindulging and the heavy toll an ice cream addiction will take on an innocent life.  “Do you want to end up like these junkies?  Passed out, face down, desperate for that next sugar buzz, living your life lick-to-lick? DO YOU?!  I didn’t think so.  Sweet dreams kids!”


17betsyfrom Betsy

If there’s one thing we don’t see nearly enough in home decor these days, it’s spittoons. That’s why I invented this lamp! Nothing welcomes guests to your home better than a well-lit invitation to contribute to a jug of spit juice.  Don’t worry, the lacy lampshade keeps everything real civilized.  I wasn’t raised in a barn! (I was raised in a bar).


18elizabethfrom Elizabeth

 “Hiiii kids!  Happy Birthday to …  birrrthday boy!!! Let’s get this party starrrrted!  For his first trick, Drinky the Clown is going to borrow $5, slap your grandpa, and take a nap on the lawn.”


Vote now!

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There is still time to vote on Round One and Round Two!

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2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: Round 2

Oh hi.  You’re back for more I see.  You didn’t get scared off after yesterday? Or fired?  Excellllent.

If you haven’t checked out Round One yet, you can do that and vote for your favorite (or least favorite) right here.  As of this moment Satan’s Booger and Moose Knuckle Chuckle are miles above the rest and will most likely make it to our final round. I personally voted for Grannytastic, because I love an underdog, and I also hate that lamp.

And now, onward! To Round Two!!

But I must warn you, you really need a strong stomach for today.  No, really.  Gird up your loins.  Brace yourselves.




Are you braced?




Are you ready?




You’ll never be ready.




Here we go.



7denafrom Dena

Must have been arts-and-crafts night at the local brothel again. Bless their hearts. It looks like what shame feels like.



8patriciafrom Patricia

You want some Mickey Mouse lamps? I gots some Mickey Mouse lamps right here.  What do you mean, ‘they don’t LOOK like Mickey Mouse?” Listen kid, Mickey Mouse is trademarked, you understand?  These is close enough. I call em’… ehh … Mikey Mice. Put em on your table, light em up, they glow real nice, nobody knows the difference.  Yeah. That’ll be forty bucks.



9betsyfrom Betsy

“Greetings soul. Coooome this way.  Follow the light.  Not that light. Thiiiiis light.  I am Zorbious, your guide to the underworld. Ok, that’s stretching the truth a tad. I’m your guide to the foyer of the underworld. I’m up for a promotion though, as soon as I meet my quota for this millennia.  Just a few more souls to go! Would you like a butter mint? Can I take your jacket before I usher you into the darkest abyss from whence there is no return?”



10mariahfrom Mariah

You know how when you work at a pet food processing plant, there’s always that ONE guy who wants to turn a beef femur into a lamp? Don’t be that guy.  Don’t even talk to that guy.  Probably that guy needs to get fired.



11katefrom Kate

It’s a lamp! It’s a statue! It’s a planter! It’s a water feature! Wait, wait, wait. It’s a lamp AND a water feature? That sounds terrifyingly dangerous. Who approved that idea?

faceI see.  Carry on.



12melfrom Mel

Despite her wistful smile and suggestively unbuttoned raincoat, this lovely lass is suffering from an alarming case of IBS.  Intestines as Bagpipes Situation.  Seriously, I think she’s snuggling a colon. The dog seems concerned.


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Don’t forget to check out Round One if you missed it!

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